02 Nov Pam and Finn’s Journey through Grief

By Pam Williams

Pam (above, right) lost her wife, Marci (above, left), to cancer earlier this year; she’s sharing this new chapter of her journey, along with her pup Finn, via Facebook at Pam and Finn’s Journey through Grief – Year 1. We asked her permission to recent share this post with you.

9/19/21. Nine months ago this morning, Marci slipped quietly away.

Eight years ago today, we were finally able to be legally married in one of our favorite places in the world, in a newly built little greenhouse made of brightly colored, recycled glass.

We’d had a commitment ceremony many years earlier and spent considerable resources to do all the legal things that were required in those days to protect each other. Our relationship had no “legal” standing back then without all those papers. We dutifully carried copies whenever we felt we might need them. When domestic partnership became an option in our county, we registered, adding an extra paper to prove our commitment to each other to the outside world.

And then, marriage—real, honest to goodness legal marriage—was an option. It wasn’t yet possible in our state, but we grew tired of waiting for that. So off to Washington we went.

Neither of us was prepared for how it would feel to hold that marriage certificate in our hands. We came to understand, in our heads anyway, what that single piece of paper meant.

Until nine months ago, I didn’t fully comprehend the weight it carried. Without fail, I’ve been asked to produce it, along with the death certificate, during every single awful administrative post-death activity, starting with her cremation. I recently learned that it means I will be allowed to collect Marci’s social security when I turn 60, just like every other married widow in the U.S. It has made this unbearable loss just the tiniest bit easier to navigate.

As a young woman coming out all those years ago, Marci never imagined she would see the day that she could be legally married to a woman she loved. She thought that “prize” would always be just out of her reach. She used to tell people who said being gay was a “choice,” why would you “choose” something that doesn’t come with the perks of marriage and societal acceptance?

Although I wish more than anything that she was sitting with me today celebrating an important milestone in our life together, I will choose to focus on being grateful that she was able to see such a big change happen during her lifetime. And I will be grateful for every moment we shared.

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