HERStory: Shalisa Wall

17 Oct HERStory: Shalisa Wall

This October we’re leading the conversation about Domestic Violence Awareness Month. This is a time to acknowledge domestic violence survivors and be a voice for its victims. Meet Shalissa L. Wall who’s shared her story with us on surviving domestic violence and becoming an advocate for victims.

My name is Shalisa Wall, and I grew up in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania, I currently live in sunny and beautiful Arizona. I was raised in a single parent household; my mother was a CNA, and my father was an absentee parent that had another family and raised three sons with his wife. I remember my childhood with mixed emotions because I experienced the joy of playing with my friends, family cookouts and riding my bike; I also recall that I lived in a very unhealthy and unsafe environment and living in constant fear of being hurt or watching those I love get hurt. I witnessed domestic violence in my home, survived child abuse, homelessness, food insecurity, being bullied from kindergarten through 10^th grade when I dropped out of school and being in foster care for five years; there’s a resounding theme for my life and that’s being a SURVIVOR!

When I began dating, I was ripe for the picking, so-to-speak, to become a victim of domestic violence. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) defines domestic violence as a pattern of abusive behavior that one partner uses to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.” Domestic Violence can consist of some or all these factors: physical abuse, emotional abuse, economical, psychological, religious/cultural abuse, sexual abuse and in too many cases, domestic violence leads to the death of the victim.  The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) reports that “on average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States, during one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.” The NDVH “receives roughly 20,000 calls per day for help from victims.”

I had such a poor self-image, and all my life people told me I wasn’t good enough, including people in my own family; I was told even by complete strangers that I was ugly, too tall, that my nose was too big, I was too skinny. These words tore down my very soul and caused me to begin my lifelong quest to feel loved, especially by a man, which led to a lot of heartache and abuse by unscrupulous people that took advantage of my loneliness and low self-esteem.

In 2004, I thought I met “My Mr. Right.” He was handsome and doting and our whirlwind relationship had me completely mesmerized. Initially, we had a long distant relationship and after a couple months of dating, I relocated from my hometown to his home state of Maryland. Soon after our relationship started, he told me he loved me and though I didn’t feel the same, I felt obligated to say the same. He was from another country and had real clear ideas about gender roles. He hated the fact that I was an American even though he chose me. He badgered me about not being able to cook his native dishes; when I did, he said I over salted his food, and he hated the American dishes I cooked. Only after a few months of dating, I began seeing red flags, but I ignored them because of my desperation to be loved. I constantly walked on eggshells around him and nothing I did pleased him. Whenever I went into the community without him, he constantly called me to make sure I wasn’t “cheating” though I was always faithful to him, but he wasn’t to me. I dressed and wore my makeup how he wanted me to. He convinced me that my friends/family were jealous of our relationship, so I stopped communicating with them. Though we both worked, I paid all the bills, did all the household chores, was the primary caregiver for our newborn daughter and I was isolated from everyone. He began withholding affection from me and shortly after our daughter was born, he had another, he was physically aggressive with me on two occasions, and I too was violent towards him twice. I stayed with my abuser because I wanted him to love me, I wanted my daughter to grow up in a two-parent household and more importantly I wanted the fairytale relationship that I heard about all my life.

I can honestly say that my daughter was the motivating factor for me leaving this very abusive and toxic relationship. I left my abuser several times before I finally left for good, which was after he threatened to kill me. I loved him, but not the abuse, and when I finally left, my daughter and I went to a domestic violence shelter. While at the shelter I received support for our basic needs and it allowed me time to regroup and rebuild my life; I would implore anyone experiencing domestic violence to reach out for help through domestic violence hotlines, shelters and to rely on those that love you because recovery is definitely possible.

As a survivor of domestic violence, I want women to be educated about what domestic violence is, who is impacted by it, what the warning signs are and where to get help; this was a driving force behind me becoming a Women’s Advocate and Public Speaker. I want to give women a voice that otherwise wouldn’t have one in this situation. When I was being abused, I really didn’t know there were so many resources available to me and I didn’t know how to care for myself once I left; this was the driving factor for me writing my eBook titled, “It’s Time to Go! How to Safely Leave an Abusive Relationship…Discovering Your Strengths, Self-Love and Your Path to Recovery.” I want women to feel empowered, safe and loved in their romantic relationship and in my eBook, I share my personal journey, provide step-by-step guidance of leaving an abusive relationship and provide resources once you leave.

I believe that all of us have a responsibility to speak out against domestic violence because it’s a moral, ethical, and criminal issue and anyone can become an ambassador for change by speaking out against it in your home, at your job and in your community. If you’re interested in partnering with others to end domestic violence, you can contact the National Domestic Violence hotline at 800-799-7233 for volunteer opportunities, ways to donate or become an advocate.

We want to hear your story. Help us empower other women by sharing your story. https://herstorypoetry.wordpress.com/submit-your-story/