19 Sep HERStory: Dr. Joy’s Story of Self Love
Two years ago, I decided to get honest with myself about the emotional state of my life. I had just finished my doctorate, I was at the top of my career as a Licensed Professional Counselor and non-profit CEO, I was finally a homeowner, I had four great kids who were mostly grown and all doing well. I had everything I had ever wanted for myself, and I was still constantly pre-occupied with worry over the future or perseverating on grievances and guilt from the past. I was a child of the 70’s- when children were to be “seen and not heard,” so I was really out of touch with my needs and feelings.
I had gotten up to 337 pounds, and my health and mobility were at risk. I knew that I spent my life using food to cope with feelings, but I had no idea how to fix it. I was in a relationship that I knew was not good for me, but I felt like I would not be able to survive without my partner. I was looking for him to fix himself to prove my worthiness. I thought that if he did that, I would feel worthy and all would be well. I didn’t realize that he was incapable of healing me- that only I could do that.
I really didn’t know what was wrong, but I knew that my inner life could be so much better. I started by paying attention to my thoughts. I basically turned up the volume and listened to the way I talked to myself, what I was worrying about, and tuned in to what was taking up the space in my head. I was immediately struck that I was not a good friend to me. My thoughts were harsh, unforgiving, demanding, unrealistic, paranoid, self-conscious, and full of fear. I had spent my life running from these thoughts, trying to drown them out with ice cream, shopping, and relationships – but I had never bothered to listen to them.
Once I tuned in to my perfectionistic, worry wart of an inner critic, I started to develop tools to soothe her. And the results were immediate and life changing. Once those thoughts were under my care, there was mental space where self-criticism and worry had been. This was how I began to experience self-love. I started to treat myself as my own best friend. I started focusing on my gratitude and on the positive things in my life. I was able to deepen my grounding in my spirituality and began to trust the timing of the universe. I learned to honor my feelings- to explore them and allow myself to feel them, realizing that my “negative” emotions would not undo me.
My mother had always told me how important it was to love myself, and I thought I did. But when self-love really came into my life, I knew that I had never experienced it. As a society, everything is geared toward making us long to be more – to have more – to do more – not to love ourselves. Self-love is not automatic, and it’s a concept that feels so general and illusive. I hadn’t known specifically – What does self-love look like? How do you know if you love yourself? And I realized that so many people were also in the dark about how to actually practice self-love. So, I decided to start sharing my self-love and inner critic healing message online and in workshops, speeches, and retreats. I have always wanted to help people, so finding this way to reach people and to help them heal themselves has been a miracle in my life.
Throughout this process, I sought medical help for my obesity, and have lost 111 pounds in the past year. I had gastric bypass surgery 3 weeks ago, because I love myself so much that I want to use all of the tools available to me to ensure my success. When I stopped using food to chase away my fear and anxiety, I was able to actually heal the fear and anxiety.
I still have bad days. My inner critic still creeps in sometimes. But now, I take them as invitations to heal. I tune in when I’m moody or blue, or when I’m anxious for no apparent reason. I listen to what my body needs, and feed my anxious, guilty, or wounded thoughts encouragement and understanding. I have patience with myself, and this has made me a better person, mother, and friend.
My self-love practice feels a little like being a really attentive mother to myself. I make sure I go on daily walks with my dogs, because it helps me to feel strong and balanced, and it is so calming for my nervous system. I prep my weekday meals and lunches in advance so that I always have quick access to foods that make me physically feel good. When I’m feeling down, I tap into self-care activities like watching lighthearted movies, getting lost in a book, or taking a hot bath, to allow myself the space to get past the feelings that have me bogged down. I make sure to “put myself to bed” on time because getting enough sleep expands my capacity to cope with life. I respond patiently and lovingly and ask myself what’s going on with me if I have a moment where I’m not my best self. I meditate to nurture my spirituality. Like a good Mom, I have learned that Joy needs plenty of energizing food, sleep, hydration, and exercise, so she can deal with life’s stress! I also got myself out of the toxic, co-dependent relationship that I was in and have focused on building a life that I love – by loving myself enough.
For my inner self-love practice, I lean on love. When my inner critic pokes into my thoughts, I ask it, “What are you afraid or ashamed of?” (The inner critic is always trying to protect you from some imagined threat.) I practice inner child healing by putting up pictures of my younger self and sending her love throughout the day. I remember her emotional needs and try to meet them now. I take time to think about what my needs are for the day – and I prioritize them so the most important ones can be met. I express my needs to my friends and loved ones. I forgive myself for not being perfect and try every day to remember that I am human and that perfectionism is in direct conflict with self-love.
I have learned that self-love is contagious. When we love ourselves out loud, it gives other people permission to do the same. It sets the example, and then people feel better when they are around you. Then it spreads! I really think that if we can spread the message of self-love and share concrete tools for how to do it, we can change the world.
You can find more on social media @drjoybracey
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