14 Jun Fathers & Sons: Lessons Learned on the Road, Vol. 2

By Elliott Potter and Jake Potter

Elliott Potter and his son Jake Potter reside in different regions of North Carolina. Their 35-year father-son relationship has expanded to include Jake’s son, Landon, who turned 4 in January. After getting together for a recent trip to Florida for music and beach therapy, Elliott and Jake wrote a series of personal reflections on the paternal ties that bind.

ELLIOTT: Every dad has a unique role

Fathers and sons, they work better as a team—and when they recognize both the familiar ground and divergent paths in each other’s journey.

A year ago, when Jake and I first wrote about passing the baton for raising a son, the differences in our roles already were taking shape.

Yet, at the core, our approach as dads has been rooted in a similar philosophy of guiding good decision-making and not making those decisions ourselves. As my grandson, Landon, gets older and Jake settles into being his own man and his own kind of father, the important differences that emerge are found not in ourselves, but in our sons.

I must confess, Jake was not a difficult kid to raise. First, as most men will acknowledge, I didn’t raise him alone. Not even close. Jake had two great women giving him motherly love and advice, and grandmothers and aunts who were willing to pitch in as needed. He also had a couple of grandfathers who taught by example.

Jake’s personality and interests are so closely aligned with my own that I generally sit back and watch nature take its course. I think I generally have a good feel for what he’s thinking. I have nudged, but I rarely push, and that is true now more than ever. I can advise and not dictate.

Over the years, my parenting style has been to reward more than punish. I know, I have been blessed that way.

Jake faces a different set of circumstances with Landon. As we explained in a similar blog last year, Landon is wired differently. His development is clinically defined as “on the autism spectrum,” though I have come to understand that such terminology takes a backseat to reality.

As a grandfather living 100 or so miles away and only able to swoop in for occasional weekends and holidays, I first tried taking shortcuts and employing my own experiences in interactions with Landon. For the most part, that did not work. Landon is not Jake.

I have since learned to take my lead from my son, whose instincts and patience have made him the right dad for Landon. It’s a classic case of a father taking his lessons from the son and knowing when to step aside, or at least step back.

It’s funny how that happens. At some point, sons move from riding shotgun to taking the driver’s seat. It’s a gradual transition—and rarely a complete changeover. But it is an undeniable role change that develops with advancing age.

When we were in Florida for the Moon Crush music festival recently, I arrived first and rented a car at the airport. With only my name assigned to the vehicle—which turned out to be a honkin’ big Silverado truck (the discounted Manager’s Special)—I was contractually obligated to stay behind the steering wheel.

I’ve owned a pickup before, but the Silverado had some substantial length to it, so I struggled at times parking that monster and maneuvering it in tight spaces. Jake took notice, and he would let me know about it on occasion. “You’re outside the line,” he’d say, or “You’re not going to be able to make that turn.”

There I was being prompted by someone who drives a mid-sized (at best) Tesla that practically drives itself, for Christ’s sake. But I held back on reminding him that the first time I honored his learner’s permit and let him take the wheel of a real car, he cruised right through a stop sign on a city street and scared me half to death. Driving a Silverado in unfamiliar places, with the roles somewhat reversed, I couldn’t say anything because I actually found myself needing his help.

I did notice in Florida that Jake is becoming gentler in his prompts as we get older. Likewise, as a grandparent, I am learning not to be such a backseat driver. I might make a few minor suggestions here and there, but I recognize that Jake knows Landon best. I don’t mind following his lead, on occasion.

JAKE: Clearing paths, not choosing them

Being a new dad can be exciting–and a bit terrifying.

When my son, Landon, was born in 2017, I didn’t have much experience around kids; his mother and I are both only children. And we were among the earliest parents in our gaggle of friends.

I wasn’t totally without a compass. Like many fathers, I counted on my own childhood experience to inform how I’d raise my kid, and the kind of parenting I might prefer to try for myself.

My dad wasn’t a strict disciplinarian. He wasn’t a helicopter parent, either. But he was incredibly adept at opening new doors for me to find my own passions. As you might guess from reading this series of blog posts, his writing inspired me to pursue a similar path.

As I entered my teenage years, I spent many an afternoon in the newsroom where he worked. I’d bring along my homework and try to finish it as quickly as I could—because I knew if I did, he’d usually put down what he was working on to let me fiddle around with the wire reports, filing copy for tomorrow’s issue.

Writing eventually became a serious outlet for me, and I considered making a career of it. I could tell my dad was a little apprehensive. (Journalism isn’t exactly a lucrative path—now more so than ever.) Looking back, it’s clear that he spent time listening to his kid to truly understand what drove me. He encouraged me to apply to journalism school, and I went and got my degree.

As parents, we crave “just enough” control in our kids’ lives. We don’t want to dictate the terms or make their decisions, but we do hope that our teachings lead them to smart decision-making. I don’t think my dad saw it coming when I told him a few months after graduating from college that I was pivoting to public relations. As it worked out, that career path provided much more stability – and still let me flex my creative muscles.

My son is now four. His personality has taken shape. Now, he’s reaching an age where you can begin to see what truly interests him. Right now, that’s building and designing things very literally–so perhaps he’ll be an engineer.

Of course, being a father isn’t just preparing your kid for a career. Along the way, my parents taught me things like kindness, empathy, good Southern cooking and how to put the right touch of spiral on a thrown football.

My son hasn’t learned all those things yet. But he will.

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Jake Potter works in communications for a major airport in the Research Triangle region of North Carolina, while Elliott Potter is retired from the newspaper business and now works as a freelance writer and communications consultant, based in Jacksonville.